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I don't know where to begin.  I wish I knew how to forget all about her, how not to care anymore.  I want to forget about the way she didn't care about me, I need to block out the sound of her voice, her defiant, final words before leaving.  "Sorry, no."  I can pretend that I'm over her, that she was never that important, that I didn't notice the way she failed to say goodbye to me.  I've got to live with the fact that someone I loved, for reasons I can't even put into words, not only didn't feel the same, but didn't see me important enough to warrant five minutes of her time.  I want to believe everyone who tells me her departure is a good thing, that she wasn't the one for me, that I deserve better, and that I'll find someone new.  But I can't.

I went to her farewell drinks and sat for 10 minutes, barely saying a word to anyone before quietly making my exit.  She saw me there, but never looked in my direction.  The week before, I told her it would mean a lot to me if we could have a quick cup of coffee.  That's all I really wanted:  a few minutes to talk to her, so put some closure on a difficult chapter in my life, to say my goodbyes and wish her luck.  She declined; she was "busy."  I sent her an email, which briefly explained what I was feeling.  She didn't write back.  Maybe she deleted it without even reading it, maybe she skimmed through it and didn't find it worthy of a response.  It doesn't make much difference now, in much the same way that my feelings never mattered to her from the start. 

I have to live with all kinds regrets, and I'll always wish things could have been different.  I have to realize that I will never see her again, that I will never get the opportunity to know her.  And she will never get the chance to know me.

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