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Man, how I used to still love this song.  I'd request it at every middle school dance, Bar Mitzvah, and birthday party, and then sing along and step in the name of love like Elaine Benes.  My high school Project Graduation party had some kind of 'make your own music video' station, but unfortunately, they didn't have my song (shocking, since it was five years old at the time).  My friend and I inexplicably settled for the Backstreet Boys' classic, "As Long as You Love Me," which to this day remains one of my worst decisions of all time...right up there with choosing a career in finance.  I'm praying that all copies of that performance have been destroyed, but I'll bet my parents still have a tape laying around somewhere.  Ah, good times...hold on, this will make more sense in a second.

 
Okay, so, I talked about "The Pickup Artist" -- a fantastic VH1 reality competition that tries to turn huge losers into studs -- last year, and I can't believe I didn't know there was a second season (see: it's the return of the mack!).  Don't worry, I'm all caught up now and here to give you the breakdown.  First of all, I can't begin to describe the level of unintentional comedy packed into every episode.  These guys are in their mid- to late-20's, and are bigger dorks than me in the 7th grade.  When you feel down about yourself, just remember that Rian is a 28-year-old virgin who's never kissed a girl and sleeps with stuffed animals, and that Brian, well, here ya go.  Oh, and I can't get over the ridiculousness of the host, Mystery, who looks like he's at least seven feet tall, and dresses -- no, excuse me, "peacocks" -- like a cracked-out Andre 3000.

Keeping that in mind, there are the things I need to know:

1. Mystery is supposedly a 'master pick-up artist' and can get any woman he wants.  Okay, sure...but there's always gonna be some chick that thinks he's creepy and wants nothing to do with him.  So, um, what happens when he tries to impress his students and gets shot down?  It's bound to happen some time, right?  Is there a little behind-the-scenes action?
   
   
2. Sadly, this season is only eight episodes long, and we don't know how much was cut out and how long it actually took to film.  But the guys progress a little too quickly.  How do they go from being too scared to approach a woman, to picking up bikini models with more smooth talk than Hank Moody?  Maybe some of Mystery's tricks work, but I'm just not buying it...
   
   
3. What do the guys do with the numbers they get from girls?  I mean, the point is to actually date them, no?  And do the producers tell the club-goers about the show after they're done shooting, or do the girls not even know until they see themselves on TV?  That would be priceless...
   

I will leave you with the winner's favorite pickup line, which needs to be delivered in a whiny and overly excited tone:  "Girls, what movie is this from?  Nobody puts baby in a corner!"  Good God, if I hear that crap one more time...