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For some unknown reason, I've been fascinated by beards ever since I was a little kid.  It drove me nuts that my dad refused to grow out a goatee and that no one in my immediate family had ever sported any kind of facial hair.  One day, I found an old stack of my dad's photos, and drew a beard on his face in every single one.  Shockingly, he didn't care how awesome it made him look, and grounded me for a week.

When I could finally grow something other than a wispy, Adam Morrison-esque mustache in high school, I put my razor to work.  Or rather, I didn't.  I decided to first experiment with an Abe Lincoln beard, and went an entire summer without shaving or trimming it.  Needless to say, there were no girls in my life during this time.  I'm pretty sure Kyle Orton in his heyday still has me beat in the ugliest beard of all-time category, though I wouldn't do any NFL Betting on it.

As time went on, I tried out a different look every week, and well, let's just say some worked better than others.  Actually, none of them really worked.  Let's take a look back at the best of these bad boys.

Sadly, I didn't rock this look in school, since I'm almost certain it would've gotten me all the ladies.  Because, honestly, who wouldn't want to date a guy with such smooth handlebar mustache?  I'll bet ex-Kings center Scot Pollard did pretty well for himself.  It just screams, "How you doin'?"

Ah, yes, my all-time favorite: the R 'n Beard. I could never get mine to look as perfectly thin and neat as Craig David's, but that didn't stop me from desperately trying to look like a reject from a '90's boy-band.  I apologize if you have Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" stuck in your head now...

I don't think I need to go into much detail here. These exquisitely fancy whiskers were favored by '70's porn stars (or so I hear) and former NFL quarterback Jake Plummer.

You may remember this beard from the time I attempted (and failed) to get out of jury duty in April.  I cleaned it up a little, and it still makes me look like a shady homeless guy you wouldn't want to come across in a dark alley (or Jack Shephard during his dark period).  The original inspiration, of course, came from Sly Stallone during the epic training montage in Rocky IV.

According to Michelle, I look like a sleazy car salesman with the goatee.  I can't really argue with that, though I think the Elvis sideburns make me look a little more gangsta.  I only wish I'd taken a page out of Pollard's book and braided the chin.

Wolverine of the X-Men was my favorite comic book character as a kid, so naturally, I'd grow out mutton chops as an adult.  Admit it -- you're jealous.