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As I've mentioned before, I'm a huge Sylvester Stallone fan.  I own all but one of his movies on DVD, which even Sly himself thinks is awesome.  If you're wondering, the lone exception is Rhinestone, in which he stars as a cab driver-turned-country singer alongside Dolly Parton.  Don't get me wrong, I'd happily buy it -- I mean, have the unwatchable Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot and Oscar in my collection -- but I refuse to pay $78.99 (!) for a movie that won Stallone a Razzie Award for Worst Actor.

With that in mind, I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I had no idea my favorite actor has filmed several amazing international commercials.  He's pulled out all the stops while pushing Japanese ham, sausage, and beer in the early '90's, as well as Italian ham and Russian vodka earlier this decade.  Let's take a look at some of these instant classics.

In case you weren't aware, war hero John Rambo loves Japanese pork products, so naturally, Sly would use Rambo III footage to promote "Ito" ham in 1992.  As he dodges explosions and runs on the beach, all he can think about are those delicious slices of cured meat.  But wait, that's not all Stallone has in store in this double-feature.  He reminisces about his boxing days (I'm guessing the trainer is supposed to resemble an overweight Mickey) before biting into more of that succulent ham at the dinner table. Works for me.

This two-minute-long opus looks like a bad parody of several of Stallone's movies, but it's actually a series of five commercials he filmed for "Kirin" and "Knorr."  We begin with a long-haired Stallone sprinting a la Rocky during a training sequence, and discover that he enjoys drinking Japanese beer after his workout.  Of course he does.  "We can make dreams come true...together," he says.  What dreams exactly?  I have no idea. The creepy "Together" song continues as Sly then informs us that his life is about love, courage, and ... "Kirin" beer. Whose isn't?  It gets only slightly weirder when Stallone rides a horse through a desert before once again consuming his favorite alcoholic beverage.  Together.

But what's the point of having Stallone at his peak if he isn't showing off his ripped, shirtless body?  Rocky-era Sly, wearing only a pair of short-shorts that leave little to the imagination, jump-ropes and tussles his hair in slow motion as a half-dozen little kids stare at him through the window.  If that doesn't make you want to buy soup, I don't know what will.

And finally, Sly shells more of that delicious "Ito" ham during the holiday season -- just what every child wishes Santa will bring on Christmas morning.

I'm not a golfer, so maybe I'm wrong about this,.but most people don't daydream about sausages on the course.  Sly, however, fantasizes about pricking "Bayern" wieners after taking couple of swings.  He also feels the same way following a strenuous biking session, and even when he's bringing a bouquet of flowers to a woman's door.  The man simply craves Japanese sausage at all times.

Did you know that Stallone plays the cello?  Well, he does, and you should eat (what else?) "Ito" ham to celebrate this fact.

In an equally confusing ad, Sly walks through a flower garden, donning an all-white suit and matching hat, and delivers a package of that wonderful ham to an extremely excited and hungry family.

Lest you think Sly only enjoys Japanese pork products, he's also quite fond of Italian prosciutto.  In a 2002 spot for "Citterio," he plays a James Bond-like action hero who kills a few jewel thieves and saves a damsel in distress -- a real stretch for Stallone.  When she asks for his name, he tells her it's "Bubi" and gets mercilessly ridiculed.  I might be missing something here, but there's nothing funny about Stallone getting humiliated -- I saw more than enough of that during the first 90 minutes of Rocky II. Let's move on.

In 2008, Stallone signed on to pitch "Russian Ice" vodka under the slogan, "There is a bit of Russian in all of us."  You might be saying, "wait -- didn't Rocky once destroy Soviet boxer Ivan Drago and didn't Rambo kill hundreds Russian troops?"  Well, that's all forgiven because Stallone's great-grandmother was born in the Ukrainian town of Odessa, so he's kinda Russian.

I love that this dubbed commercial begins with a close-up of Stallone's shirt -- which of course says, "Sly." -- just in case the Russian viewer has no idea who he is. He goes on to tells us that he get his coffee only from Brazil, his suits from Italy, and his computers from Japan (as well as, presumably, his pork).  Stallone then encounters a group of thugs who are "probably from another planet," takes off his fancy watch, and tells them, "this will hurt" in broken Russian.  I was waiting for him to look into the camera and end it with, "best served on the Rocky's!" but thankfully, he just chuckles uncomfortably  Just like I did while watching all of these unintentionally hilarious commercials.