DoktaKra.com

Before I get into the latest hate list, I'd like to take this time to apologize to you, the reader, for breaking no less than three of my own rules over the last three weeks.  I took cover under an obnoxiously oversized umbrella during a rain storm, texted during a movie in the theater, and perhaps most egregiously, engaged in and even initated a lot (PG-rated) PDA.  The moral of the story is that women are evil.  Or that I'm a hypocrite...whatever.  I'm almost as bad at apologizing as Chris Brown.  In either case, I feel better now that this is out in the open, and to make it up to you, I vow to never, ever become one of the following despicaple people.

*People who walk/run shirtless:  I get that it's the summer and it's too hot to wear clothing -- believe me, if anyone understand this, it's me.  But if you're running shirtless on the street, then I'm sorry, but there's no other way to say it: you're a douche bag.  And it's not just because of the shirtless thing -- it's because you also took the time out to shave your chest and apply a tub of tanning oil so that everyone can check out your glistening body.  This isn't limited to Matthew McConaughey-types either.  It especially applies to the overweight bankers who think their pale, bouncing gut is something I need to see when I'm trying to enjoy a nice day in the park (though it can be a little mesmerizing).  As a general rule of thumb, gents, if you're a B cup or above, you should keep your shirt on at all times.

*People who watch The Food Network at the gym:  Aside from actually snacking on the treadmill, I can't imagine a more ridiculous and counter-productive activity.  I mean, it's just cruel to show food during the one time in the day when I'm trying not to think about eating.  Maybe there's some kind of masochism in watching something you're trying to deny yourself that makes food porn so pleasurable. Whatever it is, I end up leaving the stupid gym hungrier than ever and ready to binge on chocolate cake because of your twisted mind.

*Close talkers:  This one's pretty self-explanatory, I'd imagine, and falls under the whole buffer zone concept I covered earlier.  I get that there may be cultural differences in play, but at least stop inching closer when I'm trying to back away so you're not all up in my face.  If I can smell your breath (good or bad) or see that you missed a spot shaving, then you're too damn close, bro.

*People who park too far apart:  Parking is hard enough to find on the city streets, and it's even more frustrating when drivers leave too much space between the car in front of them, consequently leaving too little space for another car to fit behind them.  I mean, seriously, is it that hard to move up just a tad and be considerate to someone else?  I hope you get a parking ticket just for being an ass.

*People who are obsessed with Purell:  I'll admit that I don't pay much attention to the news and every new apocalyptic virus that signals the end of civilization .  Are we still afraid of contracting swine flu? Avian flu? SARS?  The Bubonic plague?  I don't know, and I don't care.  Look, there's nothing wrong with using hand sanitizer once in a while, especially if there's a cold going around the office, but that doesn't mean you need to carry a little bottle with you at all times and use it every 15 minutes, as if it's some kind of magical vaccine (and what about the .01% of super bacteria that it doesn't kill, which then rapidly reproduces, huh???). 

And I have news for you -- by no means is it a subsitture for soap and water.  I actually had a coworker who never washed his hands after going to the bathroom, even when there were people in there who saw him.  I couldn't stand it, and finally called him out on it.  His response was something like, "Oh, don't worry about that. I use Purell when I get to my desk."  Um, even if bought that, what about the door knob and everything else you touched on your way back?  Gross, and I'll bet he's not the only one doing this.  The dependency needs to stop, and it begins with you.