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I feel I should explain the huge internet controversy surrounding my submission to straightcashhomey.net.  Okay, so it's not really a controversy, and only several dozen 11 people know or care about it, but I've got little else going on right now.  For those that aren't aware, Straight Cash is a website specializing in capturing random people quite simply wearing bad jerseys.  For years, I tried to get something posted, sending in pictures of someone in a Muggsy Bogues Hornets jersey and another person in a Chan Ho Park Dodgers one.  No dice...until, I had a genius idea while shopping at TJ Maxx (I needed undershirts -- don't judge me).  I found an Aaron McKie 76ers jersey on the discount rack, and promptly put it on so that Michelle could take a picture of me in the store.  Yes, I technically cheated since it was staged, and someone went on call me out in the comments.  But I could care less -- that's another goal I can cross of my list (and for the record, one of my other submissions was coincidentally published the day before, so there).

Anyways, let's move on to something a little more interesting.  Like most people, I fast forward through the commercials now that I've realized it's almost 2010 and there's this new techonology called "DVR."  But there are still some advertisements that are just too funny, ridiculous, or otherwise entertaining to pass up.  Let's just call these babies "DVR-proof."

You'd think a name like "Tasty Torpedo" sounds homoerotic enough, but Quizno's doesn't stop there.  In fact, this is quite possibly the most disturbingly awesome commercial I've ever seen (though there's no way I'll ever get a Quizno's sub after seeing what their employees do with the ovens).  I love the way the guy subtly looks down when he says, "that burned."  High comedy. 

A commercial doesn't need to try too hard or be extra long to make me laugh.  Sometimes, all it takes is 15 seconds of Biz Markie repeating "Oh, snap!  Guess what I saw?" over the "Just A Friend" instrumental.  The motto is, you can never go wrong with Biz...well, unless you have a bunch of white hipsters singing his music in a cab, which I prefer to think never happened. 

Maybe it's because I've never owned a dog, but I didn't really get the big deal when I first saw this one.  But the mom kills it with her priceless reaction.  And of course, anything with "steamer" in the title warrants a chuckle because I'm 12 years old.

If could, I would nominate the German guy for an Academy Award. I feel his pain...I'm hungry all the time, too.

Who doesn't love ice cream and cake?  Well, besides me, since I can't eat dairy.  But if I could, I would annoy everyone around me by singing this jingle every time I took a bite out of my Carvel treat.

I was half-heartedly watching the late playoff games on Sunday afternoon -- while sleeping and trying not to think of the day's events (hint:  she and I weren't meant to be) -- when I saw a commercial for FX movies.  The only reason it caught my attention was the music playing the background.  Maybe it was my melancholy mood and the self-reflection that came with it, but I've never had a song affect me that much.  I found out it was by James Morrison, a UK singer who released his debut album, aptly titled Undiscovered, in 2006.  I immidiately downloaded it from iTunes, and have now listened to it three times through.  I almost...um, right, almost...cried the first time I heard it.  I'm telling you -- and this is coming from someone who primarily listens to hip-hop and R&B -- I only wish I'd known about it sooner.  If you don't have this album, it gets my highest recommendation possible.

If you're wondering, non-Morrison tracks on my official "Depressed and failing to convince myself I don't need her" Mix include, but are certainly not limited to:

1) Ne-Yo "Go On Girl"
2) R. Kelly "I Can't Sleep, Baby" (LP Version & Remix)
3) Craig David "Awkward"
4) Usher "Let It Burn"
5) Maxwell "This Woman's Work"
6) Justin Timberlake "Again"
7) Ben Folds Five "Brick"
8) Jon McLaughlin "Human"
9) Boyz II Men "On Bended Knee"
10) Stevie Wonder "Premonition"

To lighten the mood a little bit, I will now go on a tangent and provide another round of my new favorite commercials.

1.  Subway - Oochie Mama:  It doesn't take much to make me laugh.  As soon as there's talk of photocopying a butt, I'm already smirking.  The rest of this ad takes an odd and unexpected turn, but it's damn funny...nowhere near classic status, but above average.  But the people who made comments in the Youtube link need to chill and keep their homophobic thoughts to themselves.

2.  Kia Maniac (aka the weird dancing guy):  A common misconception when it comes to ranking an ad in the commercial pantheon is whether it makes sense.  This is simply not true.  I can't get enough of this guy, er, provocatively dancing and then getting a bucket of water thrown on him at the end.  I don't know really know why, but I start nodding my head every time it starts playing.  No, I am not ashamed to admit this.

And on a final note, I caught some of the new American Gladiators show the other night (I don't know why), and I was not impressed in the slightest.  I guess some of the women are semi-attractive...if you're into that masculine, dominatrix look...which I am.  But I gotta say, when I heard that one of the dudes used to be a gay porn star, I was shocked that it wasn't The Wolf.  I mean, come on!

The last couple of weeks have been even more boring and uneventful that usual for me.  Unless you count my absolutely dominant performance in the company off-site event.  And since you desperately need the details, enjoy:

• I watched the Rock Paper Scissors (RPS) Championship on ESPN last weekend -- like you wouldn't watch if it came on.  I don't think I've seen more unintentional comedy packed into one hour.  I can't even describe how much the contestants were into it, like one dude who called himself "Shears" and wore mittens over his hands.  There were token hot women who both competed and were clearly paid money to pose as 'girlfriends.'  The highlight, however, was an old school expert's tips and tricks of the trade -- like putting down the look-away rock to demoralize your opponent; laying the upside-down paper to signify serving a subpoena; and busting out scissors at a 45-degree angle...to tell your opponent, peace-out.  You can't make this stuff up.
  
  
• I'm going against one of my biggest principles here by kind of promoting something that I loathe.  I haven't eaten at McDonald's in at least five or six years -- note that I can't say I haven't stepped foot in one though, since I've used the restrooms on quite a few occasions.  Yes, I felt you needed to know this.  Anyways, back to the point:  the new McNuggets ad is absolute brillance.  It's threatening to crack my top ten best commercial of all time, it's that good.  If this doesn't make you laugh, something is wrong with you.
  
  
• I gave in and picked up the new T-Pain album.  I didn't want to admit it, but that damn "Shorty Snappin'" song has really grown on me.  I was actually pleasantly surprised by the CD, for the most part.  Sure, there are a bunch of skippable tracks -- like one where he lets us know what he'd like to do on a girl's stomach  (um, he's not the only one) -- but there are some good songs that can get stuck in your head.  And isn't that enough to pass for quality nowadays?  Good times!
  

I'm not a big fan of the State Farm commericals with Dennis Haysbert (ex-President Palmer of 24) in general, but the one about the dangers multi-tasking while driving is fantastic.  I laugh every time I see him steal Chinese food from a driver who's eating while stopped at a red light.  I know it's not supposed to be funny, but the whole sequence just kills me.  While I'm at it, here are my thoughs on a few current commericals.

• adidas: Gilbert Arenas:  I love everything about this one, from the exagerrated caricature to Gil's inspirational words about overcoming all obstacles.  That being said, I hate the other similar-themed adidas commericals with different athletes -- I don't even know who they are and their stories are not nearly as well done.
  
  
• Geico: Cavemen:  Does anyone find these funny?  Actually, many of my coworkers do, for what it's worth.  And now there's talk about a television series in the works.  Seriously?  Maybe the first one or two of these ads were mildly amusing, but the newer ones could not be any dumber, and I'm willing to bet the show doesn't last beyond two episodes.
  
  
• Sprint: Fave Five:  I'm a big fan of two from the set.  The one where the guy denies stealing his friend's girlfiend, only to have her call him with "Secret Lovers" playing as the ringer.  And the one where the parents tell their daughter to get uglier friends after the son admits he has her hot girlfriends in his Fave Five, too.  My favorite part is the mom's facial expression as she agrees with her husband.  Not that I'm switching to Sprint -- that summer working at Radio Shack taught me better than that.

I think my favorite commercial at the moment is the one for Burger King (link is to extended version), where the father, the King Whopper, walks in on his son, the Whopper Jr., in his bedroom with a girl.  When I first saw it, I didn't get what the girl is supposed to be doing, and then it hit me:  she's eating his meat.  This should go a long way towards establishing my level of intellect.  But seriously, while I doubt that was their intention, doesn't my interpretation just makes it that much better?  You know you love it...