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I thought Michael Jackson was a woman the first time I saw him. No, really, I did. I was in third grade when my class watched one of his performances on a big screen in the auditorium, and I saw a white person with long hair and a high-pitched voice, unlike anyone I'd ever encountered.  I should note that I'd only been in United States for a few months, having spent most of my childhood in a poor Russian neigborhood with little access to American music or television. Needless to say, there was no one quite like Wacko Jacko in Russia.

I started getting into Michael Jackson's music when I began listening to more and more hip-hop and R&B in the mid-'90's and recognized the influence he had on my favorite artists. At one point, I played "Man In the Mirror" on a continuous loop in my car, hoping to gather the nerve to ask a girl I liked to the prom (it worked).  And then came "Your Rock My World" during my freshman year of college. The boy bands were desperately trying to hang on to a last shred of relevance, and Jackson blew them out of the water with a classic song that only he could pull off -- I mean, honestly, who says "you rock my world" besides Steve Urkel?  No one could resist getting on the dance floor when it came on during a party, and it still puts me in a really good mood any time I hear it (think D'Angelo "Untitled").

Like every other fan, I'll miss you, Michael.  Anyone who gets down to R. Kelly's "Ignition" gets a pass from me for any of his other troubles. Rest in peace.

I've never hidden my appreciation for bad television....often times, really bad television.  When it comes to reality shows, my rule of thumb is, whatever clips Joel McHale plays on The Soup are more than enough for the week.  But the combination of boredom and attractive women got the best of me this weekend.  I stooped to a new low and watched not one, but at least three or four full episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians....and another couple of the surprisingly entertaining A Shot of Love II With Tila Tequila (right) for good measure.  I'm not proud of this, but I'll admit that each one has its moments.  I'm all but certain that portions, if not the entire shows, are scripted...but it seems to work just fine for fans of The Hills.  In either case, I'm not watching for the drama and I could could care less about who wins and who does what stupid thing -- I'm only aboard for the unintentional comedy....and, um, partial nudity doesn't hurt.

And now for my questions.  On Tila, is it mandatory for guys to to rip off their shirts for no reason and whenever possible?  Are you guaranteed a shout out in Jose Canseco's next book after headbutting and then punching another contestant in a bout of roid rage, leaving the guy with a busted mouth and stitches in his chin?  On a scale of 1-10, how thrilled is New Orleans Saints management that their biggest (marketing) star's sex life is being openly discussed on a trashy E! reality show?  Am I a hypocrite for dissing on Kim Kardashian in my previous entry and now blogging about how I find her sexy as hell (as long as we agree that Ray J doesn't exist)?  How crazy do you have to be to to "fall in love" with someone you don't even know?  Wait....that reminds reminds me....

UPDATE:  Kardashians and Tila now top my Guilty Pleasures list...it's a sad day for all of us.

I'll come right out with it -- I'm in love with the stunning Candace Parker.  I've had my eye on her for some time, but I finally realized the extent of my feelings when I could barely watch as the poor girl dislocated her shoulder in an NCAA tournament game last week.  I'm not gonna lie to you, I teared up a little...and still do every time Sportscenter tortures me by replaying the clip.  All I want to do is hold her, and tell her it will all be okay.  She's a warrior though -- she played through the pain and led her Lady Vols to a big win.  Of course she did.  Not only is Candace strikingly beautiful, but as everyone knows by now, the girl can dunk.  That's a huge turn-on for a vertically challenged white guy.  Sure, she's a half a foot taller than me at 6'4", but who cares?  Love knows no size...or something like that.  Candace, if you ever read this, I promise that if you give me a chance, I will never let you go.  Everyone likes to talk trash about Shelden Williams, but I'm better than that....and I can't even get mad since he's now a King (actually, scratch that...it pisses me off even more.).  But if that doesn't work out, Candace, I'm all the man you'll ever need -- you can depend on me like Smokey Robinson.  Yes, I'm clearly living in a fantasy world (it was like ecstasy, girl) and I don't care what anyone else says. Enjoy this mini photo gallery of my Dream Girl...

UPDATE:  Added a much bigger Photo Gallery...'cuz that's how it be when you're falling in, um....

UPDATE:  ESPN now has a post-game interview with Candace, and along with this charming one-minute feature.  My favorite part?  Hearing "Sacramento" come out of her mouth.  Wow, I need help...

I downloaded an old Jason Mraz album after two of my co-workers described him as a "cooler John Mayer."  Cooler than Mayer?  I refuse to believe it.  If you sense sarcasm, you're way off base.  I'm not ashamed of my ongoing man-crush....that's right, I went there.  Actually, a reader (and I use this term very loosely) suggested that I create an entire page devoted to this uncontrollable, yet natural phenomenon.  I think she was joking when she said it, but you know what, why not?  Here's a top-10 list off the top of my head, in no specific order.  You'll notice that Mayer doesn't even make the cut.

1. Dirk Nowitzki
2. Justin Timberlake
3. Adrian Grenier
4. Milo Ventimiglia*
5. Wentworth Miller
6. David Lee (Knicks)
7. Andre 3000 
8. Patrick Dempsey 
9. Blair Underwood 
10. Robin Thicke

     *Season 1 of Heroes only, when he has that fly emo hairstyle

By the way, I know I've mentioned a lot of alternative/pop artists over the last few weeks, but I'm still into hip-hop.  It's just a slow time right now, and I need new tracks to get me through the day...and I can't help it if James Morrison makes me cry.  My one strong recommendation is the debut Blu & Exile album -- some of the most soulful production and sharp, witty lyricism you'll find on the shelves.

And finally, I knew that last Thursday would be good day from the moment I noticed my fly was down...except that it wasn't just down, it was broken.  I was on the train to work at the time, meaning I was forced to spend the entire day walking around with my pants fully unzipped.  Thankfully I remembered to wear underwear and prevented any unintentional Britney moments (sorry, no links -- I try to keep it classy).  Aside from inadvertently exposing myself to everyone in my office, I somehow managed to alienate a co-worker (female, of course).  Normally, this wouldn't be new territory for me, but we've never even met in person.  I feel the sequence of events can best be summarized through my own pathetic rendition of 7 Days: 

I talked to this girl on Monday
Planned a coffee meeting on Tuesday
She ignored me on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday
I cried on Sunday.

*Bows*  I know, I deserve a Grammy for that classic. Or serious therapy -- whichever comes first.

• Only three weeks until Hayden Panettiere turns 18!  I know it doesn't really matter, but it'll make me feel a little less dirty when I fantasize about her.  I understand if your opinion of me has gone down a notch or two.  How old is Michelle Wie again?
  
  
• I was actually planning to be in California all of last week for Mike Bibby's basketball camp.  Yeah, it would have been challenging getting around 'cow-town' Sacramento by myself (I'm the only Kings fan I know), but that would have been far outweighed by having the chance to meet and be on the same court as some of my favorite players.  Unfortunately, my boss wouldn't let me take off a full week...so I just looked at pictures online.  Wait, why did I put this as a positive?
  
  
• Finally, my best celebrity sighting in a while:  I saw Larry David riding his bike in midtown the other week.  I probably wouldn't have even noticed, but he hit a curb and yelped something distinctly Larry David-like.  He was all decked out in orange from head to toe, including a very ugly hat.  Once again, I felt you needed to know that.

Most people I know went away for the long weekend, or at least enjoyed the early summer weather.  I, on the other hand, finally picked up the first season of Lost, and watched 16 episodes over three days.  Now that most of my shows are on hiatus until the fall, I need something productive to do in my free time.  Hence, despite the obligatory opposition from the Circuit City customer service desk, I exchanged the second season (which I bought 3 months ago on sale) for the first one, and then found a new copy of the second for $29 on Half.com.  Good times!  I know the big question is, does it make the Must Watch list?  In due time, it certainly will -- I'm obviously hooked on it now.  

On another note, I didn't hesitate to add Evangeline Lilly (left) to the front page of The Ladies section.  Actually, since I'm often asked -- actually no one has ever asked, but I tell them anyway -- one of my biggest turn-ons is when a girl gets all sweaty and dirty as hell.  Wait, that sounded much worse that I really intended...let me explain.  I can spend the whole day on the treadmill as long as there a hottie running next to me, breathing hard, sweat dripping down her back, wet hair falling in her face.  Yeah, I'm glad I cleared that up...  Anyways, if you're a fine female stuck on a deserted island with a limited supply of clothing and antiperspirant, you're all but guaranteed to make my list.  Welcome aboard, Kate!

UPDATE:  I was all set to watch four more episodes last night, except I was done dirty (and not in a good way).  Instead of Disks 5 and 6 in the DVD set, I discovered that I somehow ended up with extra copies of Disks 2 and 3!  How does this happen?  And of course I can't find the damn receipt -- did I even get one since it was an exchange?  To quote Jack Bauer, "Damn it!"  I resorted to watching two old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which temporarily distracted me only because a dog bit Larry in the junk.  Wish me luck with those Circuit City bastards (I know it's not really their fault, but someone has to pay).

Thought it was time for a little break from my usual ranting for something a little more pleasing the eyes and ears.  How's this for an entertaining video?  Two of my -- and just about everyone's -- favorite women, shaking their hips side by side, and keeping very serious faces in Beautiful Liar.  I'm feeling the song, but I'm not crazy about the video.  I think it comes of a bit corny, but hey, four minutes of Beyonce and Shakira can never be bad.  I think I can watch those two do just about anything: comb their hair, paint their nails, read a book, take a shower...hold on, a need a minute.  I guess this video is the closest we'll get to that, since Eva Longoria killed this dream of a rumor.