DoktaKra.com

Some people are deathly afraid of clowns, and others are scared to fly. A girl I once dated used to check the toilet to make sure there was nothing in there ready jump out at her (I never asked what exactly). I once had a friend who carried a potty in his car trunk just in case he got stuck in traffic and couldn't make it to restroom in time. Once again, I never inquired why or if he ever actually did this. I'm not here to judge, and hell, who am I to say what's normal? I now present to you, some of my own irrational fears.

Getting My Arm Chopped Off By a Helicopter Blade: Yes, it happens. Just look at Dr. Romano on E.R. some years back, damn it! Although I should note that I'm not afraid of a helicopter crashing down and killing me, which is how Romano ironically died, nor do I think there's any chance that a loose seal will bite off my hand. Just in case this needed to be clarified.

"It" Will Fall Off:  I must've been like six or seven years old when I had a nightmare that, um, it fell off while I was peeing, right in my hand. I remember this traumatizing moment nearly 20 years later, and it's always in the back of my mind when I go. Um, let's move on.

Stairs/Escalators: I don't like them and I prefer to avoid them, especially the really thin staircases that twist around and go up really high. I start to get nervous that I'll trip up the stairs (though suprisingly not down) and fall flat on my face -- believe it or not, it's happened before. This is a big problem during the morning rush, when all I have in my head is, "don't fall! don't fall!" while everyone else is hurrying with no regard for my psychological issues. Escalators are even worse if they're shut off, because I get disoriented going up when they're not moving along with me.

Falling in the Tub: I don't know how this began, but I'm afraid of falling in the bathtub and either breaking something or busting my head open. This might sound a bit morbid, but is there a worse way to die that slipping in the tub and having someone find you lying in there, fully naked? I think even Fat Elvis would agree with me. This is why I only shower once a week...and if you don't know, now you know.

Hyperventillaing When Asking Out a Girl...Again: I'm not ready to share this with the world my two dozen readers just yet. Let's just say that it's my most embarrasing moment to date, and that's really saying something.

I'll try to keep this short, because it's still a little too painful for me to talk about the whole thing.  It's official -- my dreamgirl is not only married, but knocked up...and no, I'm not the baby daddy.  Sure, it hurts like knives, and the mental image or her and Shelden Williams sexing (Firefox says it's a word) is enough to make a man put a gun to his brain...I shouldn't have to explain.  And as one of 10 living males who follows the WNBA, I can't help but think about the ramifications of the league losing its biggest (only?) star in her prime.  I've seen it compared to Jordan's retirement, but it's really not even close.

All that aside, I'm happy for the two of them...no, really, I am.  Family is a beautiful thing, and well, if Candace is happy, then I'm happy.  And I mean, if this thing with Shelden doesn't work out for some reason, I'll be waiting.  It's like the time when the Max had a dance contest, and Lisa Turtle sprained her ankle and got dumped by her date.  Screech was there to come to her rescue, and if memory serves me right, Lisa called him her "nerd saint."  Well, Candace, I am your nerd saint -- believe that.

And finally, I'd like to extend a sincere thank you to Deadspin editor A.J. Daulerio, who cracked me up by telling me that he was sorry and that it shoulda been me.  He also linked to my commenting profile in his post, which in turn brought the most visitors ever to this website.  I bow to your greatness, sir.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta dance to keep from cryin'.

For my first all-reader mailbag, click here.

It's that time again -- my inbox is full of questions...or you know, has three emails.  I planned on saving some of these for a later date, but the people demand answers!  As always, these are real questions that I've received from people who visited this site.  Please note that this entry is rated PG-13 for mature language and subject matter -- some material may be unsuitable for children under 13 and parental guidance is strongly suggested.

Q:  You're fantastic! Call me.  (Dec 2, 2008)

So apparently, I am the type to send my picture to a complete stranger.  (Dec 4, 2008)

A random admirer of your puns.

[Ed Note:  The first two were privates messages left on my Deadspin profile page; my response to the first one was that I needed to see a picture prior to calling.  The third was the subject line of an email, which included a photo of the sender.]

Man, how I used to still love this song.  I'd request it at every middle school dance, Bar Mitzvah, and birthday party, and then sing along and step in the name of love like Elaine Benes.  My high school Project Graduation party had some kind of 'make your own music video' station, but unfortunately, they didn't have my song (shocking, since it was five years old at the time).  My friend and I inexplicably settled for the Backstreet Boys' classic, "As Long as You Love Me," which to this day remains one of my worst decisions of all time...right up there with choosing a career in finance.  I'm praying that all copies of that performance have been destroyed, but I'll bet my parents still have a tape laying around somewhere.  Ah, good times...hold on, this will make more sense in a second.

 
Okay, so, I talked about "The Pickup Artist" -- a fantastic VH1 reality competition that tries to turn huge losers into studs -- last year, and I can't believe I didn't know there was a second season (see: it's the return of the mack!).  Don't worry, I'm all caught up now and here to give you the breakdown.  First of all, I can't begin to describe the level of unintentional comedy packed into every episode.  These guys are in their mid- to late-20's, and are bigger dorks than me in the 7th grade.  When you feel down about yourself, just remember that Rian is a 28-year-old virgin who's never kissed a girl and sleeps with stuffed animals, and that Brian, well, here ya go.  Oh, and I can't get over the ridiculousness of the host, Mystery, who looks like he's at least seven feet tall, and dresses -- no, excuse me, "peacocks" -- like a cracked-out Andre 3000.

Keeping that in mind, there are the things I need to know:

1. Mystery is supposedly a 'master pick-up artist' and can get any woman he wants.  Okay, sure...but there's always gonna be some chick that thinks he's creepy and wants nothing to do with him.  So, um, what happens when he tries to impress his students and gets shot down?  It's bound to happen some time, right?  Is there a little behind-the-scenes action?
   
   
2. Sadly, this season is only eight episodes long, and we don't know how much was cut out and how long it actually took to film.  But the guys progress a little too quickly.  How do they go from being too scared to approach a woman, to picking up bikini models with more smooth talk than Hank Moody?  Maybe some of Mystery's tricks work, but I'm just not buying it...
   
   
3. What do the guys do with the numbers they get from girls?  I mean, the point is to actually date them, no?  And do the producers tell the club-goers about the show after they're done shooting, or do the girls not even know until they see themselves on TV?  That would be priceless...
   

I will leave you with the winner's favorite pickup line, which needs to be delivered in a whiny and overly excited tone:  "Girls, what movie is this from?  Nobody puts baby in a corner!"  Good God, if I hear that crap one more time...

Updated: August 19, 2008, 11:45 AM ET

It's been a boring couple of weeks for me.  I think the most "exciting" moment was when my cable provider offered me a free month of Showtime, Cinemax, and the Movie Channel, on top of my HBO subscription.  As great as that sounds, I'm not impressed.  First of all, who chooses the crappy movies they put on demand?  I've never even heard of half of them, and the rest are pure garbage that I have no interest in seeing.  Seriously, it's that bad -- .45, Shooter, Girl Interrupted, Balls of Fury??  Ugh...I'd rather read a book.  The only saving grace has been "Californication" on Showtime, which is relatively interesting....and features an exorbitant amount of nudity (the good kind).  Actually, all of the 'late night' shows on Skinemax and Showtime share this quality, but this is once again not as good as it sounds, since I have to fast forward through 10 minutes worth of mindless dialogue....and the actresses aren't even that hot.  I gotta say though, if I was 15, I would already be blind.  And on that note, let's move on...

As if you need me to tell you, the big story from the Olympics has been Michael Phelps and his world record domination.  I've really only been watching the basketball games -- or more correctly, constantly refreshing the boxscores, since NBC requires you to download a stupid plug-in that my work won't allow (boooo) -- and of course, cheering for my girl Candace, as the women (and now the men, too!) continue to show the world who's boss.  I've also developed a minor crush on the incredibly sexy gymnast, Alicia Sacramone (right)...don't worry, she's 20.  I think I have some kind of fetish for girls who can kick my ass -- I'm actually half-serious here.  You may also remember that I fell in love with Candace after she hurt her shoulder during a college game and I wanted to be there for her.  Lo and behold, Alicia fell off the balance beam during one of her routines, and apparently cost her team a medal.  She tried to hold back tears, but ended up crying...so, of course, I cried, too....(sigh)...this is how it starts.  And I mean, her name sounds a little too much like Sacramento....you know what, that's enough for me...she's now cracked the top ten of The Ladies....

UPDATE:  Not that I really care, but Alicia was just named "Hottest American Olympian" in a CBS Sportsline bracket (this means it has to be true).  I gotta say, I find this whole contest a little demeaning to female athletes, and as much as the creators don't want you to take it seriously, it sure as hell looks like an excuse to objectify respected women.  But yes, I voted for Candace (the #3 seed), who was upset by Sacramone in the 2nd Round.  I guess I can be pleased that one of my girls won, but that doesn't take the sting out of her crushing my #1 wifey in the polls...haha...

I've never hidden my appreciation for bad television....often times, really bad television.  When it comes to reality shows, my rule of thumb is, whatever clips Joel McHale plays on The Soup are more than enough for the week.  But the combination of boredom and attractive women got the best of me this weekend.  I stooped to a new low and watched not one, but at least three or four full episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians....and another couple of the surprisingly entertaining A Shot of Love II With Tila Tequila (right) for good measure.  I'm not proud of this, but I'll admit that each one has its moments.  I'm all but certain that portions, if not the entire shows, are scripted...but it seems to work just fine for fans of The Hills.  In either case, I'm not watching for the drama and I could could care less about who wins and who does what stupid thing -- I'm only aboard for the unintentional comedy....and, um, partial nudity doesn't hurt.

And now for my questions.  On Tila, is it mandatory for guys to to rip off their shirts for no reason and whenever possible?  Are you guaranteed a shout out in Jose Canseco's next book after headbutting and then punching another contestant in a bout of roid rage, leaving the guy with a busted mouth and stitches in his chin?  On a scale of 1-10, how thrilled is New Orleans Saints management that their biggest (marketing) star's sex life is being openly discussed on a trashy E! reality show?  Am I a hypocrite for dissing on Kim Kardashian in my previous entry and now blogging about how I find her sexy as hell (as long as we agree that Ray J doesn't exist)?  How crazy do you have to be to to "fall in love" with someone you don't even know?  Wait....that reminds reminds me....

UPDATE:  Kardashians and Tila now top my Guilty Pleasures list...it's a sad day for all of us.

My roommate watches Saved by the Bell every morning, and I'm not judging or anything...it's actually semi-entertaining at times. I'm only mentioning it here because it's got me thinking about some important things.  Like, does Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen belong on my Ladies list, or is she too far past her prime?  I'm leaning towards "yes" after examining a few pictures, but I'll let my readers decide...and by that, I mean I'll have to conduct some more, um, research. 

Anyways, on to the more thought-provoking topic:  the state of the TV nerd.  A quick disclaimer:  I don't watch any shows starring nerds, like The Big Bang Theory (which I've heard is awful), nor do I care for any boring plot lines on quasi-sci-fi shows (Heroes, I'm looking at you).  With that out of the way, we can begin.  Now, Screech defined the stereotypical geek, and in true form, wasn't too popular with the ladies (read: got no booty).  Unfortunately, two of my current favorites (in relative terms) have been pushing the boundaries of nerd reality.  On Grey's, Izzie is literally fighting George's wife for the guy.  Um, George? Seriously?  And over on Friday Night Lights, Tyra and Landry are now longer just friends, but have started dating and...wait for it....sleeping together.  Come on!  I'm sorry to say it, but he is one ugly dude.  Just try to disagree with me on that.  So what gives?  Yes, there are marginally plausiple but unmistakably BS reasons in both case, and I won't bore or blame you if you haven't been watching.  But honestly, since when does one of the hottest girls in school go for a dude who's nowhere near her level by any stretch of the imagination?  Sticking with the opening SBTB theme, that would be like Kelly going out with Screech, or something.   It's just wrong somehow, isn't it?

Am I annoyed because this would never happen in real life, or because it's never happened in my life?  Not that I'm...nevermind.  No matter what, I'm just not buying it.  At least the Grey's writers were smart enough to point out the absurdity of their show through Alex's displeasure and coldness.  It's a slippery slope when it comes to implausible storylines, so is it a coincidence that all of these shows are now slipping?

You had to have known that I'd love this show -- The Pickup Artist.  I gotta give the folks at VH1 a lot of credit for consistently putting out quality television...and by quality, I mean absolute trash I feel worthless for watching.  The premise here is straightforward: a renowned master, who goes only by "Mystery" -- and could double Tommy Lee, by the way -- will teach a dozen underachievers how to play the game.  The contestants go through challenges -- or actually, one challenge, since the only goal is...pause for effect...talking to a woman (!).  Look, anytime I get the chance to see guys who might be bigger losers than me, I'm hooked.  And I'll admit that I see parts of myself in some of their problems, like "talks too much," "freezes up in the presence of a female," or "prematurely ejaculates with the slightest touch."  Okay, I made up the last one...and I doubt even Mystery could help me -- er, I mean, someone who has such a problem.

My friend actually recommended the book to me a few months ago -- I don't remember if I ever finished it.  It's an interesting read, filled with its own vocabulary, semi-impressive success stories, and its share of helpful pointers and advice for the 'AFC' (average frustrated chump).  But the big message is really to just have confidence and say something interesting to engage in conversation.  And that's exactly why I never got into it.  I mean, I don't see myself using any of the set conversation openers, like asking a girl to settle some fictional bet, nor would I dress up like an a**hole just to attract attention.  Now, I realize I'm not really in a position to judge , but is it that difficult to talk to someone?  What did people do before "experts" like Mystery and Style taught classes and lectures on how to be cool? 

Anyways, let's just hope that I don't get inspired to hit up some packed night-club and desperately try to pick up random girls just for the thrill of it.  That would be bad...perhaps not even VH1 worthy.

1)  Flight of the Conchords -- The funniest show of the summer has now become my new reason to look forward to Sunday night.  The old reason (Entourage) has slowly become stale and mundane, going on and on with no direction and recycling the same ideas.  It pales in comparison to the unpredictability and ridiculousness of Conchords, which follows a down-on-their-luck duo known as the "fourth most popular folk pardody band in New Zealand."  The best part is that half of the show is actually crazy, '80's-style music videos, packed with random, stream of consciousness lyrics.  If you haven't seen it, trust me, you won't be disappointed.

2)  This engaged chick at my volunteer kitchen -- I probably shouldn't write this, since there's a semi-realistic (read: not bloody likely) chance this could get back to me, but whatever.  If you're keeping track, it's not this one (although she was there last week and we warmly ignored each other), and definitely not that one (although I've had my Brian McKnight moments -- "do I ever cross your mind, anytime?").  Anyways, the problem is even if something were to happen between me and her -- a big if, of course, since I'm a los -- um, good person -- her fiancee is actually a cool dude. But I still can't help feeling the way I do.  What is it about falling for women I can't have?  Or is it that all of the good ones are taken, since I don't actually know they're taken when I first realize how much I like them?  I know, I should really get out more. 

3)  The NBA Draft -- It's sports, but keep reading even if you care less about this than the previous two sections.  The draft has been one of my top five favorite non-holiday nights of the year since I was a kid.  In addition to the big trade rumors and unintential comedy of the ESPN annoucers, my team has a high pick for the first time in nearly a decade.  I'm desperately hoping they nab Chinese sensation Yi Jianlian, not just because he's an intriguing prospect, but because it guarantees at least a little national coverage for the porous Sacramento franchise.  And yet, the pessimist in me is a  little too prepared for dissappointment all around.  Ah, we're back to safe territory for me.

Most people I know went away for the long weekend, or at least enjoyed the early summer weather.  I, on the other hand, finally picked up the first season of Lost, and watched 16 episodes over three days.  Now that most of my shows are on hiatus until the fall, I need something productive to do in my free time.  Hence, despite the obligatory opposition from the Circuit City customer service desk, I exchanged the second season (which I bought 3 months ago on sale) for the first one, and then found a new copy of the second for $29 on Half.com.  Good times!  I know the big question is, does it make the Must Watch list?  In due time, it certainly will -- I'm obviously hooked on it now.  

On another note, I didn't hesitate to add Evangeline Lilly (left) to the front page of The Ladies section.  Actually, since I'm often asked -- actually no one has ever asked, but I tell them anyway -- one of my biggest turn-ons is when a girl gets all sweaty and dirty as hell.  Wait, that sounded much worse that I really intended...let me explain.  I can spend the whole day on the treadmill as long as there a hottie running next to me, breathing hard, sweat dripping down her back, wet hair falling in her face.  Yeah, I'm glad I cleared that up...  Anyways, if you're a fine female stuck on a deserted island with a limited supply of clothing and antiperspirant, you're all but guaranteed to make my list.  Welcome aboard, Kate!

UPDATE:  I was all set to watch four more episodes last night, except I was done dirty (and not in a good way).  Instead of Disks 5 and 6 in the DVD set, I discovered that I somehow ended up with extra copies of Disks 2 and 3!  How does this happen?  And of course I can't find the damn receipt -- did I even get one since it was an exchange?  To quote Jack Bauer, "Damn it!"  I resorted to watching two old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which temporarily distracted me only because a dog bit Larry in the junk.  Wish me luck with those Circuit City bastards (I know it's not really their fault, but someone has to pay).