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I'm a Renegade

Posted by doktakra on April 14, 2009 at 4:45 PM Comments comments (2)

All right, I've kept you waiting long enough -- I'm back with more venom.  Before I get to the people I hate, I'd like to once again express my disdain for the NYC Transit System.  A $10 MetroCard used to come with a $2 bonus, meaning you'd get a free ride...until some geniuses decided to lower that extra amount to a ridiculous number like $1.55.  I get that these are tough times and everyone's cutting back, but what the hell am I supposed to go with the leftover pennies that always remain on the card?  It's practically impossible to get back to zero, and it annoys the hell out of me when I see something like $0.45 on the meter after I swipe.  This has been reason #4,385 why I hate the MTA.

 

*People who dress too warmly:  I'm terrible at checking the weather in the morning, and there have been plenty of times when I've gone outside in my winter jacket, only to discover that it's 60 degrees outside.  But you know what I do when that happens?  I take off my jacket and carry it like a normal person.  I don't get these people who continue to walk around in gloves and wool hats when everyone else is wearing t-shirts.  And if they're not hot and sweating, then the sweatbeast in me hates them even more.

 

*People who dress up when they don't have to:  It's nice to put on a suit once in a while, I guess, but most of the time, I'm grimy as they get, mud on my pants and shirt, when I be putting in work.  Under no circumstances would I ever put on dress pants or a button-down when I don't have to, and I hate you if you feel differently.  I will not argue this.

 

*People who have their head turned when they're walking towards me:  Someone, usually a middle-aged woman, will be walking with her head turned to the side, looking at something or talking to someone behind her, and I have no way of getting around her on a busy street.  She'll then get all startled and apologize when she inevitably bumps into me.  This happens much more frequently than you'd think, and I can't stand it.

 

*People who take pick-up basketball games way too seriously:  Have you ever played ball with someone who starts yelling like a mad man at everyone and getting pissed off at his own teammates?  Okay, so you thought I was gonna cut when I went back out, or you think the other team has the score wrong, but is it really that big of a deal?  And yes, I'm probably saying this because I suck and don't need to hear it from anyone else, but the point remains...

Concrete Streets

Posted by doktakra on June 19, 2008 at 12:45 PM Comments comments (3)

I caught "American Beauty" on cable the other day, and it got me thinking -- you know how Kevin Spacey's character quits his crappy job and applies at McDonald's just because he feels like it?   Never mind the improbability of his fake sexual harassment claim, which is so ridiculous that it almost ruins the movie.  I just envy him for getting up one day and saying, "screw it, I'm doing whatever the hell I want."  But that's not the only reason why I'm bringing it up now.  You know what it's time for....a classic from the vault.  I'll introduce this in my best Power 105.1 announcer voice:  back in the day....1999....Linens 'N Things in New Jersey.

I remember discussing the premise of American Beauty with my manager, a 30-something, (relatively) attractive Latino woman.  About halfway through our conversation, she chuckled and said, "well, the pie was warm and soft, so it felt just like the real thing, you know what I mean?"  After an awkward pause, I realized that she was referring to "American Pie"...um, yeah, who doesn't get these cinematic masterpieces confused?  I didn't think that was an appropriate comment for her to make to a 16-year-old....but then again, this is the same woman who constantly asked if she could (or more correctly begged to) grab my ass...which would've been troubling if I didn't sort of like it.  And you wonder why I have problems now.  I keep it clean, so I won't divulge any further details here...let's just say that it was an um, interesting work experience.  Oh, and years later, I ran into one of my former LNT store managers, and he told me he married her.  I actually laughed because I thought he was joking...expect he wasn't.  At least five awkward seconds passed before I realized I should tell him congratulations and quickly walk away...ah, memories.

In other news, a subway performer brightened up an otherwise long and boring trip.  Now, if you've ever been on a NYC train, then you've come across beggars, bootleg DVD sellers stuck in a time warp, and all kinds of "musicians."  I hardly ever enjoy any of these spontaneous concerts, and start moving to the back if I hear anything that starts with, "ladies and gentlemen."  The worst part is when I'm forced to look down at the floor when they come around asking for tips.  Look, I'm not a bad person, but I'd rather contribute to an organization so I know where my money's going, you know?  Or maybe I'm just a cheap bastard.  It's one or the other.  Anyways, I almost broke my own rule...all in the interest of unintentional comedy.  An elderly woman sat down in her seat, and started singing one phrase, over and over, without the aid of instrument: "It ain't no joke, I'm broke."  This went on for a solid two minutes, and at the end, almost everyone around me put change in her cup.  I couldn't bring myself to do it, but I came close...I almost reached for the change my pocket.

Subway Shopping

Posted by doktakra on May 22, 2007 at 2:36 PM Comments comments (4)

I love it when I see those guys selling bootleg DVDs on the subway.  I don't really know why, but they always make me smile.  Not that I've ever bought anything from them -- I just like the way the dude rushes down the middle of the train car chanting, "five dollar, five dollar."  I already know that I'm a bad person, so save it.

But there was an unexpected twist yesterday, when a pair of new characters entered the premises.  The speaker of the two laid out his sales pitch, which began with:  "They told you that nobody beats the Wiz, but they were wrong!"  You can't make this stuff up.  I was the only one to laugh out loud, probably because I was also the only one paying attention, but come on!  Did this guy just wake up from a six-year coma?  Maybe he happened to catch that old Sienfeld episode the night before?  Because I remember The Wiz going out of business when I was starting my freshman year of college in 2001. 


Needless to say, he made no sales, although I was slightly intrigued when he announced he had "anything and everything, from Spiderman to R. Kelly In Concert."  I briefly contemplated asking if he had the (alleged) R. Kelly sex tape -- um, as a joke, not because I wanted to watch it...again -- but then decided against it.  I figured it would've been worse than the time I asked my swimming instructor if the pool had that chemical which turns urine purple in the water.  This was last week...I wish I was joking.  Er, I may have said too much.


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