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My Life

Matrimony: Maybe You

Posted by doktakra on January 26, 2010 at 2:25 PM Comments comments (6)

It seems like only six months ago, I was single and hating on everyone in a happy relationship. Oh, right, that's because that was six moths ago, and not too long before I met Michelle.  I knew she was the one for me soon after our first date, and I'm proud to say that as of January 9, she's gone from being my girlfriend to my fiancée. But, of course, that doesn't mean everything went smoothly or just as I had planned -- here's the engaging story (see what I did there?) of how it all went down.


I went to Michael C. Fina and picked out a beautiful Tacori ring in early December with the help of one of Michelle's best friends (according to Wikipedia, it's the same kind of ring that Chandler proposed with to Monica on Friends, though that wasn't my primary reason for choosing it...or so you'd think). As luck would have it, Paul Tacorian, who I later found out is that guy from The Bachelor, along with several other multi-millionaire company owners were in the store at the time and congratulated me on giving them a sh*tload of money my decision (notice that I'm standing credit card-in-hand).


The ring was supposed to be ready on December 28, and I originally planned on proposing at some point during our New Year's trip to California.  But unbeknownst to Michael C. Fina, Tacori was closed for two weeks in December, since, you know, no one ever decides to propose over the holidays. They assured me it would be ready by Friday, January 8, the day before our six-month anniversary.  So what happened on January 8?   A huge snowstorm hit the east coast, delaying all UPS shipments and leaving my ring stuck on a Newark Airport tarmac. Despite my outrage, it was out of the company's hands -- the ring wouldn't get to the store until Monday, January 11.  I begrudgingly agreed to have the jeweler temporarily fuse my diamond with the stock setting so that I could at least propose on our anniversary date.


My new plan was to put the ring inside a Miami Dolphins lunch box for the biggest Fins fan I know, which I had shipped to my parents' house in New Jersey so she wouldn't see it. The only problem, of course, was that as of Saturday morning, it was also yet to arrive due to that damned snowstorm.  But just as I started thinking of yet another backup plan, my dad called me to say that the lunch box had just come in and they were on their way into the city.


The next problem was getting Michelle out of the apartment to get everything in order. Unfortunately for her, but very fortunately for me, she had to work in the afternoon, giving me a two-hour window to pick up the ring and the lunch box. When I arrived at Michael C. Fina, the store clerk happily informed me that my ring -- the real one that I'd picked out -- had just come in 20 minutes ago. The off-duty UPS delivery man who brought it in had already changed into jeans and was on his way home when he received a call about a package in Newark, and only went back to get it on his own time because he wanted to go to Michael C. Fina to buy a ring for his girlfriend.   What are the odds? I must've been wearing that lucky deodorant. I ran back home after getting the lunch box from my parents and picking up a bouquet of flowers, and patiently waited for Michelle to come home.


The lunch box ended up being a huge hit. In fact, Michelle was SO excited about it, that it took what felt like an hour for her to finally open it.  When she saw the jewelry box inside, I got down on one knee and tried my best not to hyperventillate as I blurted out that magical four-word question. A dozen "yeses" later, we were engaged and on our way celebrate over a candlelit dinner in Rockefeller Center.


 


And then, as if things couldn't get any better, this happened last week on Twitter.  

doktakra @Candace_Parker Hey, Candace. I got engaged over the weekend & my new fiancee made me take down your poster off my wall. You okay with this?
Candace_Parker @doktakra LOL! congrats! :) aww its okay i forgive you

That's right, after all this time, the (former) dream girl finally acknowledged me, and it wouldn't be possible without (the current dream girl) Michelle. I guess that's the way love goes...

End of the Road

Posted by doktakra on October 6, 2009 at 3:00 AM Comments comments (6)

No, no, Michelle and I haven't broken up...far from it, actually.  But I'm guessing you don't want to hear about that stuff, since I've been told that I was more entertaining when I was resentful and miserable.  I'll just get right to the big announcement and get it overwith: Candace and I are done.  I mean it.  I don't know exactly when it hit me, but I've stopped caring about the one-time dreamgirl.  Of course, her marriage to the-one-who-shall-not-be-named and their love child (shudders) didn't help, and a second straight snub at MSG might've been the final straw. If you don't think I'm serious about it being over, look no further than here -- that's right, the infamous bedroom poster is no more.  No, I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' shed no tears...


Anyways, I've moved on, and eventually, so will you.  To help with the grieving process, Iet's get back to the basics with a good ol' fashioned hate list.  This week's theme is elevator etiquette which I have not previously covered (see Things I Hate in the sidebar for more thoughts on people who block the exit or take the elevator to go down one f'ing floor).


*People who hold the elevator door open to continue their conversation:  I think the rules are pretty simple here.  If you're getting on the elevator, then either stop talking to the person on your floor or don't get on at all (note that in the latter case, I'll still be mad that you've wasted precious seconds of my time, but considerably less so).  Amazingly, this also works in reverse when you're on the verge of disembarking, but find yourself in mid-conversation.  The point is, I'm already irritated that the elevator stopped on your floor and ruined my express ride, but you then compound my anger by standing in the doorway and carelessly talking while I wait for your inconsiderate ass to finish.  I'm giving you the evil eye as I type this.


*People who leave farts in the elevator that I subsequently board:  This is even more offensive when another person enters and assumes that I was the culprit.  Not cool at all.


*People who press the elevator button repeatedly after it's already been pressed:  Once again, this concept seems simple to me.  If the button is lit-up, it means that someone before you (probably me) already pressed it.  Do you think that I'm an idiot and didn't do it correctly, or that your magic touch will make the elevator come quicker if you keep on pushing it?  Similarly, if your floor has already been pressed when you step inside, there is absolutely no reason to push the button again.  It will change nothing, I promise you.


*People who squeeze into a crowded elevator when there's no room:  Self-explanatory, I'd imagine.  Bonus hate points awarded if you're with a group of people and feel that every single member of your large party (intentional double-meaning) needs to get into the same elevator, because clearly, another one won't come a few minutes later and make the ride more comfortable for everyone involved.


*People who don't say, "thank you" or otherwise acknowledge my act of kindness when I hold the door for them:  On those rare days when I decide to do something nice like that (nine out of ten times, an attractive woman will be involved), I'd at least expect a nod or a smile in return.  It's ungrateful people like you who make me frantically press the door close button as you're approaching the elevator, which more often than not, does nothing anyway, aside from making me look like an ass.  Sigh.

So Far To Go

Posted by doktakra on July 14, 2009 at 9:05 PM Comments comments (12)

It was that magical time of the year last Thursday  -- the one and only day when the dream girl, Candace Parker, came to New York to play at Madison Square Garden. Much like last time, there was a bit of uncertainty over her playing status (she'd been out with a uterus for the entire season), and I didn't think I'd go in the days leading up to game night.  Somehow, it all worked out when I miraculously bribed convinced Michelle, who as we previously established, is much cooler than me, to go to the game.  I woke up early on Thursday morning, put on my lucky deodorant (that's right, I have a lucky deodorant), and tried my best to stay calm.


Right off the bat, I discovered there's a thin line between showing your devotion as a fan and coming off as a creepy stalker, especially when you're with a girl who you're attempting to impress with your sense of humor and irresistible charm.  Michelle took a few pictures of Candace shooting around before the game (my own picture-taking skills leave much to be desired), as well as a couple of me against the Garden backdrop.  As much as I want to say that she had to convince me to take a picture with Maddie, the Liberty mascot, I thought it would be kinda cute and jumped in the photo.  Turns out I was right.



A few other in-game highlights:

  • I wondered out loud whether Shelden Williams was in the building, and Michelle replied that he was in the mascot costume.  There's no way I can ever top that one.

  • Michelle's favorite player became Tina Thompson, when she saw that Thompson played basketball in full make-up.  More on this later.

  • We watched fantastic performances from the Timeless Torches, the Liberty's elderly dance squad, and Air Shelden Maddie, who somehow earned a standing ovation for what started out as an embarrassingly bad dance routine.

  • Oh, and the Sparks won or something.


We waited for Candace by the team bus after the game with a large group of fans.  She stood 30 feet away, holding her baby and chatting with her husband for 40 minutes, and eventually waived and boarded the bus.  We (or I), however, managed get autographs from Michael Cooper, the first and hopefully only Laker signature I'll ever have, and Tina Thompson, who Michelle said should've signed her name in lipstick (high comedy).


Michelle and I exchanged stories about meeting our favorite athletes on the way back (her Dan Marino one trumps any of my Kings encounters).  As we made our way down 6th Avenue, I couldn't help but feel disappointed, much less about the Candace snub than about whether Michelle would ever want to see me again after my craziness was on full display.  We reached her apartment and started to say our goodbyes.  And well...I'm a gentleman, but let's just say that my questions were answered, despite my best efforts to make the situation as awkward as humanly possible (my area of expertise).  Good times.


I walked home smiling the entire way, realizing that should've known all along -- the lucky deodorant never fails.

Baby Don't Cry

Posted by doktakra on January 7, 2009 at 9:33 PM Comments comments (5)

I'll try to keep this short, because it's still a little too painful for me to talk about the whole thing.  It's official -- my dreamgirl is not only married, but knocked up...and no, I'm not the baby daddy.  Sure, it hurts like knives, and the mental image or her and Shelden Williams sexing (Firefox says it's a word) is enough to make a man put a gun to his brain...I shouldn't have to explain.  And as one of 10 living males who follows the WNBA, I can't help but think about the ramifications of the league losing its biggest (only?) star in her prime.  I've seen it compared to Jordan's retirement, but it's really not even close.


All that aside, I'm happy for the two of them...no, really, I am.  Family is a beautiful thing, and well, if Candace is happy, then I'm happy.  And I mean, if this thing with Shelden doesn't work out for some reason, I'll be waiting.  It's like the time when the Max had a dance contest, and Lisa Turtle sprained her ankle and got dumped by her date.  Screech was there to come to her rescue, and if memory serves me right, Lisa called him her "nerd saint."  Well, Candace, I am your nerd saint -- believe that.


And finally, I'd like to extend a sincere thank you to Deadspin editor A.J. Daulerio, who cracked me up by telling me that he was sorry and that it shoulda been me.  He also linked to my commenting profile in his post, which in turn brought the most visitors ever to this website.  I bow to your greatness, sir.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta dance to keep from cryin'.

Fan Mail, Part II

Posted by doktakra on December 6, 2008 at 4:05 PM Comments comments (4)

For my first all-reader mailbag, click here.

It's that time again -- my inbox is full of questions...or you know, has three emails.  I planned on saving some of these for a later date, but the people demand answers!  As always, these are real questions that I've received from people who visited this site.  Please note that this entry is rated PG-13 for mature language and subject matter -- some material may be unsuitable for children under 13 and parental guidance is strongly suggested.

Q:  You're fantastic! Call me.  (Dec 2, 2008)

So apparently, I am the type to send my picture to a complete stranger.  (Dec 4, 2008)

A random admirer of your puns.

[Ed Note:  The first two were privates messages left on my Deadspin profile page; my response to the first one was that I needed to see a picture prior to calling.  The third was the subject line of an email, which included a photo of the sender.]

Let me just say -- anyone who compliments me and approaches borderline-stalker level in the process is getting into the mailbag.  Okay, that's not true -- anyone who emails me at all is getting into the mailbag, but you get the point.  I'm not gonna lie to you -- I would've probably definitely called, if you'd left a number, because that's just what I do.  I should also note that when I first saw the email, I thought it said "random admirer of your penis," and I didn't even bat an eyelid...I'm not sure what that says about me...or you.  Anyways, I appreciate the kind words, and thank you for being brave enough to let me know that you think I'm both incredibly sexy and hilarious, as well as sending a photo of yourself.  A little less clothes next time, okay?  (That's NOT her on the right, in case you're not aware -- I just needed an excuse to post a picture of the lovely Adrianne Palicki.)


Q:  FYI, your girl is married now.  Does this change anything?

Damn you for making me face reality!  I will address this subject once and for all, and then we will never speak of it again.  Yes, Candace Parker is now married, presumably to Shelden Williams, though she doesn't actually say who she eloped with in the video.  To answer your question -- this changes nothing!  I guess my chances are now a little less realistic than before (so you're telling me there's a chance?), but I wish Candace all the best and hope that she and Shelden have a long and happy marriage.  You know what, screw it -- take it away D'Angelo...


Q:  I'm looking at you tv show picks and I think you'll really like Dexter.  It's in the third season now but you don't need to watch one and two to get it.  Check it out and let me know what you think.

You know, I saw the first two seasons for $20 each on Black Friday, but I hesitated to pull the trigger (um, pun intended?  He's a killer, right?).  I'm regretting it now, because I've heard good things about it ever since.  See, I can't start watching a show without seeing it from the beginning  -- I've done that before and it ruins a lot of the surprises/twists/jokes.  Thanks for the recommendation though...I'll be on the lookout for a good sale.  If anyone has the DVDs or would like to have a question answered in my next mailbag, you know how to reach me...

Fan Mail

Posted by doktakra on October 16, 2008 at 7:53 AM Comments comments (5)

I know what you're thinking, and I'm a little surprised myself.  On a good day, this site gets a meager 300 hits...by comparison, the prominent sports blogs get several hundred thousand visitors on a daily basis.  Obviously, my site doesn't offer breaking news stories, and few people care about my opinion on, well, anything.  But I guess there is a small niche that know all I have in this world, are balls and my world.  So, I appreciate that some people have taken the time to actually write in and give me a couple of thoughts.  Here is my first all-reader mailbag, with actual emails I've received over the last month (I'll keep these anonymous for now).  I may have gotten the idea from Bill Simmons, but this won't be nearly as long....or interesting, for that matter...haha.


Q:  I like the site but I don't get why don't you have more sports content?  I think you should do a Kings blog or just a general sports one.  Good job overall.

Thank you for the kind words.  Well, I used to have a Kings blog on this site several years ago, back when it was primarily a Sacramento fan page.  The thing is, I live in New York, and any of my observations would rely on televised games (still haven't decided if I wanna get League Pass again), online recaps and boxscores, and other blogs.  Obviously, the Sacramento Bee does an excellent job of covering just about everything you could ask for, and Sactown Royalty is fantastic.  In short, I don't know what I could really offer to intice Kings fans to come here for that reason.

This seems like the perfect time, however, to promote a new project.  A few prominent Deadspin commenters (FEAST and Sports-Pun) and I have started a new NBA humor blog:  LowPosts.com.  There are already several entries, which are pretty damn funny, if I may say so myself.  These two guys are much more creative and imaginative than I can ever be, so even if you think I'm as bad as Matthew Berry, just take a look.  Now there's a ringing endorsement!


Q:  dude - the hip hop pages are hot and i can tell you know your sh*t.  but your ipod selection is whack!!  r.kelly? some garbage pop bands?  start listening to real music.


Hmmm....that's a fair assessment.  See, here's the deal -- I probably own more hip-hop and R&B albums than just about anyone.  I buy new releases almost every week, and listen to all kinds of underground artists.  But you know what happens?  I don't really understand this phenomenon, but I end up going back to the same old songs over and over again.  I mostly listen to my iPod when I'm at the gym, so those tracks you see are more or less my workout playlist.  You mention R. Kelly, who's my favorite R&B singer (seriously, and I don't care about the peeing or anythning).  Ignition (Remix) is not only upbeat and catchy, but it's unintentionally hilarious.  Some alternative/pop music has grown on me as of late, as I touched on here.  I guess I do have a lot of non-rap stuff on there...maybe it's time I updated the list and made myself look a little cooler...nah....


Q:  If you have a web site business selling products and services, then we can help you with internet marketing! We have helped thousands of companies to succeed on the web with our successful internet marketing and online advertising services. Now you can put these same services to work for your online business. Click the links on this page to get started now...


Yeah, I realize this is an advertisement, but it came to my inbox under "Feedback for DoktaKra.com," so someone clicked on my contact link.  I don't really care for these marketing tactics, but if you would like to have your ad placed on this site, please let me know.  As I mentioned, those 300+ visitors per day means close to 10,000 per month, so you never know....haha.  The day I get a sponsor, is the day I know I've sold out...and I'm okay with this. 


Q:  Simple question.  What's up with the Candace Parker stuff?


Haven't you ever been obsessed with someone you've never met in person, and devoted a large portion of your time to thinking about her, constantly searching for new pictures, posting numerous blog entries about how much you love her, and sitting outside of her apartment with binoculars?  Er...scratch the last one.  I guess that doesn't really answer your question then...sorry, I got nothing.


Q:  Hi.  My name is Amanda and if you're looking for a good time check out my webcam on...


Um....hey, Amanda, if that is your real name.  Please don't use my website to send me this trash...but if you're gonna do that, at least include compromising pictures in the email body so I don't have to sit there and contemplate clicking on the link.  Until we meet again....

I Won't Go Home Without You

Posted by doktakra on July 23, 2008 at 8:12 AM Comments comments (42)

Updated: July 29, 2008, 9:05 AM ET

I've been looking forward to this Friday for months, ever since I developed a weird infatuation an innocent crush on Candace Parker.  Her Los Angeles Sparks make their only visit to New York to face the Liberty, and there was no way I'd miss it.  The problem is that it's not easy to find someone who's interested in going a WNBA game...nevermind someone who'd pay decent money for courtside seats.  I scrambled to call everyone I knew after the person who was supposed to go with me bailed just weeks before the game (I ain't mad at cha).  No worries, I found someone who was crazy enough thought it would be fun.  I'd finally see my dream girl in person, maybe even get an autograph....or a hug, maybe steal her sweaty, game-used headband...er, forget I said that.  And then literally minutes after everything was in motion, Candace was involved in the first brawl in WNBA history...and the suspension talk started.  It was a knife to my heart...I didn't think I'd make it through night...would Candace end up missing the New York game?  This can't be life....this can't be love...

UPDATE:  Crisis averted!  Candace was only suspended for one game, which she served last night.  So, CP will be at Madison Square Garden, and I'll be in the third row.  I've got my camera, Mitch Richmond throwback jersey, and a "Candace -- will you marry me?" sign?  I'm more excited than Jesse Spano right now!


UPDATE
:  Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to Candace...it was probably for the best, since I can definitely see myself pulling a Greg Oden.  I wasn't surprised to see lots of purple Sparks gear at the the game, but I was a little shocked by the number of grown men wearing CP jerseys in the stands....I can't get myself to do that...not yet, at least.

I found out that Candace is not a very shy girl.  At one point in the second half, she needed to adjust her shoulder brace...so she just pulled up her jersey almost all the way off for about 20 seconds.  I'm not gonna lie to you, this may have been my favorite part of the game...without sounding like too much a perv (too late, I guess), I felt bad staring so hard...

And finally, I waited for Candace by the Sparks team bus after the game with at least 100 other fans.  When she eventually came about 45 minutes later, she just waived to the crowd and boarded the bus.  It was a little disappointing...almost like, we waited in the blistering cold for you, four hours and you just said, "no."  I mean, I thought she'd give the New York fans a little love after the bad publicity with the fighting, but CP wasn't feeling it.  If it was meant to be, it'll be soon...I'll be there next year, no doubt. 

Sorry for the poor quality photos...it's hard to get good shots when there's so much movement on the court...

 

All The Places I've Been

Posted by doktakra on May 20, 2008 at 12:19 PM Comments comments (5)

I'll be the first to admit that I've Googled some strange things...things I'm not particularly proud of....things I would deny I ever wanted to know.  With that in mind, one of my favorite features of this site, is the incoming visitor tracker.  Without further ado, I will now break down the recent Google searches that found my site.

I've been wondering about this for a while now -- who is Googling "doktakra?"  If you know my name already, then why wouldn't you just put the ".com" at the end and come straight to the site?   I don't get that, and if you're one of these people, kindly enlighten me.  Anyways, I expect hits for my standard subject matter -- anything dealing with the Kings, hip-hop, and television, as well as any of the random musicians and celebrities that I discuss.  So, searches for "The Office," "Michael Scott," "Hugh Laurie," and "The Wire" make sense; as do ones for A Tribe Called Quest lyrics and 2Pac albums.  I'm not sure why so many people are looking for pictures of Jamie Lynn Sigler now (has she done anything since The Sopranos went off the air??), but I guess she's famous enough, and I've mentioned her in a few places here.  A good number people stumbled upon my site looking for images of relatively obscure Kings players (Lionel Simmons, Ronnie Price, Doug Christie), probably because those searches don't get many results....so it's good that I was able to actually help someone find what he or she wanted.

Then there are the weird ones...  I don't even want to say what one person searched for and inexplicably got my site, but let's just say that it has to do with, um, solitary lewd sexual activity....but so much worse.  Of all the odd, random hits, that one easily takes the cake...we will never speak of this again. 


Of course, a sizable section of my site is devoted to my favorite girl:  the one and only Candace Parker.  After her amazing WNBA debut with the Los Angeles Sparks (34 points, 12 rebounds, 8 assists!), I fully expected more incoming traffic than usual.  But this particular influx of activity was not what I had in mind:

May 19 9:05pm candace parker nude pics
May 19 3:09am candice parker naked
May 18 6:50pm candace parker nude
May 18 3:26pm sheldon williams candace parker
May 18 11:56am candace parker
May 17 9:56pm is candace parker a virgin
May 17 8:18pm candace parker nude pics
May 17 8:16pm candace parker and sheldon williams
May 17 4:08pm candace parker nude
May 17 2:26pm candace parker naked
May 17 10:13am candace parker pictures

Note that some of these were actually done during the game on Saturday afternoon!  Is the thought process here, "hmm....she's hot.  I want to see her naked?"  How dare you objectify Candace like that!  I'm ashamed of you people, and I don't want you coming back ever again.  Do you see her as another Lindsay Lohan or Kim Kardashian, walking around with no underwear, posing topless in magazines, and "accidentally" leaking a sex tape?  Candace is a classy, educated young woman who plays basketball for a living and does things the right way.  I was actually starting to get pissed off, until I noticed the sixth search down from the top: "is candace parker a virgin."  I can't even get mad at this person -- that's high comedy.  What would you do with this information?  If she is, do you think you have a shot at being her first?  I don't know the answer to your question for a fact -- you'd have to ask Shelden Williams for that -- but here's a hint:  she's a beautiful, 22-year-old who is now engaged....um, does that help?  And did you expect her to hold a press conference to address the subject of her virginity like Britney Spears (or Justine Chapin, for that matter)?  Wow....just wow...and I thought I needed help. 

The point is, if you found this page through any of these searches, I hope you got your answer.  Anyone searching for sports, celebrity news, hip-hop, etc. -- I do what I can.  To the rest of you -- do all of us a favor and stop embarassing yourself and degrading Candace, and all women, with this crap.  Just remember that I know who you are from your IP address... 

Only Good To You

Posted by doktakra on April 12, 2008 at 10:05 PM Comments comments (6)

I'll come right out with it -- I'm in love with the stunning Candace Parker.  I've had my eye on her for some time, but I finally realized the extent of my feelings when I could barely watch as the poor girl dislocated her shoulder in an NCAA tournament game last week.  I'm not gonna lie to you, I teared up a little...and still do every time Sportscenter tortures me by replaying the clip.  All I want to do is hold her, and tell her it will all be okay.  She's a warrior though -- she played through the pain and led her Lady Vols to a big win.  Of course she did.  Not only is Candace strikingly beautiful, but as everyone knows by now, the girl can dunk.  That's a huge turn-on for a vertically challenged white guy.  Sure, she's a half a foot taller than me at 6'4", but who cares?  Love knows no size...or something like that.  Candace, if you ever read this, I promise that if you give me a chance, I will never let you go.  Everyone likes to talk trash about Shelden Williams, but I'm better than that....and I can't even get mad since he's now a King (actually, scratch that...it pisses me off even more.).  But if that doesn't work out, Candace, I'm all the man you'll ever need -- you can depend on me like Smokey Robinson.  Yes, I'm clearly living in a fantasy world (it was like ecstasy, girl) and I don't care what anyone else says. Enjoy this mini photo gallery of my Dream Girl...

UPDATE
:  Added a much bigger Photo Gallery...'cuz that's how it be when you're falling in, um....


UPDATE
:  ESPN now has a post-game interview with Candace, and along with this charming one-minute feature.  My favorite part?  Hearing "Sacramento" come out of her mouth.  Wow, I need help...


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