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Last year, I broke down a small sample of the most ridiculous R. Kelly lyrics I've ever heard, from his profanity-laced "REAL TALK" to his desire to propose to a buttocks.  To be fair, I'm not sure there's a single song in Kellz's extensive catalog that doesn't include some kind of head-scratching, cringe-worthy line...or ten.  The man simply has a gift for penning ill-fated sexual metaphors and similes, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy them a little too much.  If a recent acquittal on multiple child-pornography charges didn't stop him from bringing the crazy, then clearly, nothing ever will.  Here is Part II of this immensely enjoyable (at least for me) exercise in absurdity.

"Customer (Remix)" (from Raheem DeVaughn's Love Behind the Melody):  As the title suggests, the two singers allow a female customer to order various items from their respective menus.  Perhaps you can overlook Kelly referring to himself as "Chef Boy-R. Kellz" and claiming that that he'll "put that roast in your oven," but he, of all people, wouldn't dare go there, would he?  Yes, yes he would -- "shorty, if you're thirsty, I got some good, good lemonade."  Wow...just wow.

"In the Kitchen," TP.3 Reloaded:  Another song, another masterful display of storytelling:  "Sex in the kitchen over by the stove / Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls / Hands on the table, on your tippy toes / We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed."  Nothing out of the ordinary, really -- until Kellz blurts out, "Girl, I'm rea-dy to toss your sa-lad!!" at the 1:52 mark.  That, even after all of this time, I did not see coming.

"Pregnant," Untitled:  The self-proclaimed sexasaurus cuts to the chase within the first five seconds of this remarkable ode to child-bearing: “Girl I want to get you pregnant -- knock you up!”  You see, when a player find a woman with "an unbelievable booty," who's "more than a mistress," he must "handle [his] business and put that girl in [his] kitchen."  Truer words have never been spoken.  I still can't decide if I find this song to be brilliant, humiliating, uplifting, embarrassing, unreal, and/or genius.  Although, maybe this is just me, but despite Kellz's best intentions to make this a sensual slow jam, I'd be a little hesitant to have this playing in the background if I brought a woman into my bedroom.

Also of note is the unexpected reappearance of Tyrese, who almost outshines Kellz by apparently thinking it's 2001 and telling the object of his affections, "I can have you co-starring and get in one of my new movies ... I can make you famous."  Sure you can, Ty...sure you can.

"Echo," Untitled:  Inexplicably yodeling at the end of 1997's "Can We Get Up On a Room" (R) was obviously not enough, as Kellz decided it was time to bring back the lost art form a dozen years later on the chorus of his latest single.  Like I've said all along, alpine exuberance is exactly what contemporary R&B has been missing:  "Yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay, yo-de-lay hoo-hoo / Got you sounding like you're screaming from a mountain peak."  Only in R. Kelly's universe is yodeling a sexual aphrodisiac, but rest assured, he very clearly explains his reasoning.

"Whole Lotta Kisses," Untitled:  I almost skipped over this generic and relatively boring track, but listened long enough to be treated to one of Kelly's stranger comparisons:  "Bury myself all in you, as if you were my grave."  Wait, what??  I'm no king of R&B, but I can't think of a more guaranteed mood killer during a make-out session than that.

Well, unless you attempt to compare a woman's love to going to church -- she's even "got a n***a waking up extra early on Sunday" (!) -- and then tell her that she reminds you of your mother, both of which Kellz does within a span of a minute on "Religious" (I guess he forgot that he already broached this topic on 1995's "Religious Love").  Sigh, it's like he's not even trying sometimes.

Look, if Kellz is going to remake his own tracks, can Usher (or anyone more relevant than Trey Songz) diss him so we get another version of the indescribable "I'm A Beast?"

I'm fascinated by R. Kelly...er, his music, not any of those extracurricular activities.  I remember getting the cassette single for "I Can't Sleep Baby (If I)" after hearing it on MTV Jamz with Bill Bellamy way back in 1996, and getting hooked on Kellz.  But I sometimes wonder if he's in on the joke, or if he really thinks "Trapped in the Closest' is a work of genius and not unfathomably absurd and unintentionally hilarious.  Now, I can just copy and paste the lyrics to the 22 (and counting) chapters and call it a day, but instead, I present to you, the most ridiculous R. Kelly songs I've ever heard that don't involve midgets and nosy neighbors.  Most of these come from his recent albums (Double Up is epic) leading me to believe that he's slowly getting more and more insane in his forties (!).

"Real Talk," Double Up:   I don't think I realized the extent of R. Kelly's insanity before I heard this song and saw the (YouTube exclusive!) video.  He strolls around like a damn fool with his partly-braided hair, while we get to hear his side of a conversation with a woman.  This consists of him cursing her out for three solid minutes (language warning, obviously). He doesn't bother staying on beat or rhyming half the time, and just in case we forget, he keeps reminding us that it's "REAL TALK!"  Sample 'lyrics,' which really need to be heard to get the full experience:

"F*** me? Girl, f*** you! / I dont give a f*** about what you're talking about."

"I'm sick of this bulls*** / Coming home and getting my s*** and gettin' the f*** up out in a Dodge."

"The next time your ass get horny, go f*** one of your funky-ass friends / Hell yeah, you probably doing that s*** anyway."  (note: this might be my favorite R. Kelly line ever)

Um, yeah...I have no words.  And if that's not enough, there's a (clearly staged) fight at the end and he mercifully tells the cameraman to stop filming this mess.

"Sex Planet,''  Double Up:  If you can get past him talking about "getting close to a fine-ass chick," in the intro, you'll get treated to Kellz's best spaceship metaphors.  It's starts out innocently enough, but then he takes it way too far, even by his standards: "I'm about to twinkle and touch your soul / Once I am touring to your black hole," and "Girl, I promise this will be painless / We're gonna make a trip to planet Uranus" are my personal faves.  I mean, I don't think these lines were clever in middle school.

"The Zoo," Double Up:  Kellz saves some of his fanciest come-ons for this one: ''I got you so wet, it's like a rainforest / Like Jurassic Park, except I'm your sexosaurus, babe."  I'm taking furious notes.  And how does he see nothing wrong with having monkey noises in the background?

"I'm a Flirt," Double Up:  It's catchy and became a huge Billboard hit, but I have no idea what he's talking about here:

"Yeah, homey, you say she yo' girlfriend / But when I step up to her I'ma be like, 'cousin'" -- What???

"Just soon as she go to the bathroom, playa I'm gon holla at her"  -- Um...didn't you just face some serious charges for doing that stuff?

"She be callin' me 'daddy,' and I be callin' her 'mommy' / She be callin' you Kelly, when yo' name is Tommy" -- Interesting, but wouldn't she call Tommy, "daddy" if we go by that logic?  Or did I miss the whole point?  Is there a point??

"Ignition (Remix)," Chocolate Factory:  I thought it was a self-parody when I first heard it ("now usually I don't do this"), but now, I'm not so sure.  I could just quote the whole song here, but here are a few choices lyrics. "You must be a football coach / The way you got me playin' the field" has to rank among the worst pick-up lines of all-time, and "Now it's like Murder She Wrote / Once I get you out them clothes," leaves me scratching my head every time.  Is Kellz is a huge Angela Landsury fan?  Somehow, I doubt that...but you know what, let's just move on.

"F*** You Tonight:" This is actually a smooth Notorious B.I.G. track from Life After Death, but I'm mentioning it because it contains the following unfortunately homoerotic line from the Pied Piper himself:  "B.I.G. / bring that ass to me!"  I don't know was he was going for there, and I'm a little frightened.  Also of note is Kellz's guest appearance on T-Pain's "I'm 'N Luv Wit A Stripper (Remix) -- a work of brilliance in its own right -- where he charms a lady with his seductive side.  "I must be the first man to ever fall in love with an ass / gonna bend down on my knees, and ask that ass to marry me ... I wanna stick it, wanna kiss it /  If I could, I'd put my whole damn head in it."  Um, I don't recommend doing either of those things, but that's just me.

"Might Be Mine," 12 Play: 4th Quarter:  Kellz insists "this is a true story," as if there's anything he could say possibly say that I wouldn't believe at this point.  The song is about a call he receives from an attorney representing a stripper who's pregnant with this child.  I don't even know where to begin here.  First of all, in typical Kelly fashion, it sounds like he's just reading a transcript of the phone call ("Then said, "who's this again"  / He took a breath and said, "you heard me the first time").  And second, you'd think a 40-year-old man wouldn't drop gems like, "I went on to tell 'em that I hit it raw."  The chorus confirms that he in fact didn't use protection, and informs us that while "there's a very good chance that it might be [his]", he "[doesn't] even like this girl!"

"Feelin' On Your Booty," TP2:  The subject matter doesn't even phase me and it wouldn't make the list if Kellz didn't start scatting, "booga-booga-boo-tee!" at the end before cracking himself up Jimmy Fallon-style.  He also inexplicably decides to yodel at the 3:40 mark of "Can We Get Up On a Room" (R), which almost ruins an otherwise nice slow jam for me.

"I Like the Crotch on You," 12 Play:  For the name alone...ugh.  I'm sure I missed a few, but I'm starting to talk like R. Kelly in my head, and that can't be a good thing for anyone.

I know what you're thinking, and I'm a little surprised myself.  On a good day, this site gets a meager 300 hits...by comparison, the prominent sports blogs get several hundred thousand visitors on a daily basis.  Obviously, my site doesn't offer breaking news stories, and few people care about my opinion on, well, anything.  But I guess there is a small niche that know all I have in this world, are balls and my world.  So, I appreciate that some people have taken the time to actually write in and give me a couple of thoughts.  Here is my first all-reader mailbag, with actual emails I've received over the last month (I'll keep these anonymous for now).  I may have gotten the idea from Bill Simmons, but this won't be nearly as long....or interesting, for that matter...haha.

Q:  I like the site but I don't get why don't you have more sports content?  I think you should do a Kings blog or just a general sports one.  Good job overall.

Thank you for the kind words.  Well, I used to have a Kings blog on this site several years ago, back when it was primarily a Sacramento fan page.  The thing is, I live in New York, and any of my observations would rely on televised games (still haven't decided if I wanna get League Pass again), online recaps and boxscores, and other blogs.  Obviously, the Sacramento Bee does an excellent job of covering just about everything you could ask for, and Sactown Royalty is fantastic.  In short, I don't know what I could really offer to intice Kings fans to come here for that reason.

This seems like the perfect time, however, to promote a new project.  A few prominent Deadspin commenters (FEAST and Sports-Pun) and I have started a new NBA humor blog:  LowPosts.com.  There are already several entries, which are pretty damn funny, if I may say so myself.  These two guys are much more creative and imaginative than I can ever be, so even if you think I'm as bad as Matthew Berry, just take a look.  Now there's a ringing endorsement!

Q:  dude - the hip hop pages are hot and i can tell you know your sh*t.  but your ipod selection is whack!!  r.kelly? some garbage pop bands?  start listening to real music.

Hmmm....that's a fair assessment.  See, here's the deal -- I probably own more hip-hop and R&B albums than just about anyone.  I buy new releases almost every week, and listen to all kinds of underground artists.  But you know what happens?  I don't really understand this phenomenon, but I end up going back to the same old songs over and over again.  I mostly listen to my iPod when I'm at the gym, so those tracks you see are more or less my workout playlist.  You mention R. Kelly, who's my favorite R&B singer (seriously, and I don't care about the peeing or anythning).  Ignition (Remix) is not only upbeat and catchy, but it's unintentionally hilarious.  Some alternative/pop music has grown on me as of late, as I touched on here.  I guess I do have a lot of non-rap stuff on there...maybe it's time I updated the list and made myself look a little cooler...nah....

Q:  If you have a web site business selling products and services, then we can help you with internet marketing! We have helped thousands of companies to succeed on the web with our successful internet marketing and online advertising services. Now you can put these same services to work for your online business. Click the links on this page to get started now...

Yeah, I realize this is an advertisement, but it came to my inbox under "Feedback for DoktaKra.com," so someone clicked on my contact link.  I don't really care for these marketing tactics, but if you would like to have your ad placed on this site, please let me know.  As I mentioned, those 300+ visitors per day means close to 10,000 per month, so you never know....haha.  The day I get a sponsor, is the day I know I've sold out...and I'm okay with this. 

Q:  Simple question.  What's up with the Candace Parker stuff?

Haven't you ever been obsessed with someone you've never met in person, and devoted a large portion of your time to thinking about her, constantly searching for new pictures, posting numerous blog entries about how much you love her, and sitting outside of her apartment with binoculars?  Er...scratch the last one.  I guess that doesn't really answer your question then...sorry, I got nothing.

Q:  Hi.  My name is Amanda and if you're looking for a good time check out my webcam on...

Um....hey, Amanda, if that is your real name.  Please don't use my website to send me this trash...but if you're gonna do that, at least include compromising pictures in the email body so I don't have to sit there and contemplate clicking on the link.  Until we meet again....

I love it when I see those guys selling bootleg DVDs on the subway.  I don't really know why, but they always make me smile.  Not that I've ever bought anything from them -- I just like the way the dude rushes down the middle of the train car chanting, "five dollar, five dollar."  I already know that I'm a bad person, so save it.

But there was an unexpected twist yesterday, when a pair of new characters entered the premises.  The speaker of the two laid out his sales pitch, which began with:  "They told you that nobody beats the Wiz, but they were wrong!"  You can't make this stuff up.  I was the only one to laugh out loud, probably because I was also the only one paying attention, but come on!  Did this guy just wake up from a six-year coma?  Maybe he happened to catch that old Sienfeld episode the night before?  Because I remember The Wiz going out of business when I was starting my freshman year of college in 2001. 

Needless to say, he made no sales, although I was slightly intrigued when he announced he had "anything and everything, from Spiderman to R. Kelly In Concert."  I briefly contemplated asking if he had the (alleged) R. Kelly sex tape -- um, as a joke, not because I wanted to watch it...again -- but then decided against it.  I figured it would've been worse than the time I asked my swimming instructor if the pool had that chemical which turns urine purple in the water.  This was last week...I wish I was joking.  Er, I may have said too much.